Last year our award-winning series took home an Emmy in broadcast excellence for our expose, "Adam West: Crotch of Ages." This year we're turning the kind of investigative journalism you've come to know and love from the Internet on the dramatic rise and tragic fall of America's first ethnically themed anti-terrorism unit, the original five members of Saban's Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

In each episode the Power Rangers taught adolescents valuable lessons about cooperation, sharing, and other ideals viewed as socialist bullshit by today's red state standards. But behind the spandex lurked a much darker side of karate stardom. Sooner or later the clock to every ranger's morphin' time strikes midnight, and the descent into alcohol, pornography, and death is as sure as the Velcro supporting their unisex onesies. To better put this into perspective, imagine you're Tobey Maguire. You're fresh off the filming of the most eagerly anticipated superhero sequel of all time, Seabiscuit 2: Rise of the Seabiscuits. You realize your career has peaked, there's nowhere to go but down, and now the only thing left to jockey for is the corner stool at the bar. Do you persevere, or do you collapse under the weight of your own fame? Unfortunately, the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers sank like a shot of Jager into that oh-so-sweet pilsner abyss, and now only this article remains as a warning to future rangers of their varied, individual failings. Use the handy trading cards to help keep track of your favorite ranger's celebrity dysfunction, even on the go! Let's begin.